It hurts so bad...

I was not sure if I wanted to talk about this but I felt I needed to. I have lived through many mass shootings. I'm ashamed to say that I have become immune to them, thus is life in modern America. These incidents always disgusted me but I went on with my life with minimal interruption. But this is different. I have been crying since Friday. I can't sleep, I feel haunted. I imagined their faces in my mind and then they released the photos and I was gutted again. Those angels were even more beautiful than in my imagination. I keep thinking that I am done with tears then I am hit with something else. The bravery of the teachers, President Obama's speech, stories of survivors, the blow by blow of these little ones deaths. It never seems to end, I can't seem to cry enough tears. I am lucky in that I am a stranger to those whose precious children were taken from them. My anguish is but a shadow of what they are going through and I can't even pretend to comprehend what these parents are suffering. I just know that there are so many like me suffering with them. People who don't cry are crying, people who don't pray are praying, people who don't pay attention are standing in solidarity with the fallen and their families.  My heart is breaking. I keep thinking how scared they must have been. How they must have presents under the tree that they will now never open. That these families will never be healed as there is a child sized hole haunting there homes. That all those little faces will never grow up to experience both the pleasures and the pain of a full life. I don't know them, I never would of known them but it doesn't stop me from feeling that the world is a poorer place now that they are no longer in it. I want to remember all of their names. The shooter can disappear but those innocents should always be forefront in our hearts and minds. There was one little boy whose sweet face has come to represent to me all that has been lost in this horror. His name is Noah and his mother's words at his funeral brought forth even more tears from me, even when I thought the well had run dry. I will let her speak for all of us...interchange the name, it is the love of a parent for a child that is now gone for no good reason. I also see in him the son that I might have had if things had been different. He is beautiful as they all were, I will miss them and hope that their parents and siblings will see them again beyond this life.

"The sky is crying, and the flags are at half-mast. It is a sad, sad day. But it is also your day, Noah, my little man. I will miss your forceful and purposeful little steps stomping through our house. I will miss your perpetual smile, the twinkle in your dark blue eyes, framed by eyelashes that would be the envy of any lady in this room.
Most of all, I will miss your visions of your future. You wanted to be a doctor, a soldier, a taco factory manager. It was your favorite food, and no doubt you wanted to ensure that the world kept producing tacos.
You were a little boy whose life force had all the gravitational pull of a celestial body. You were light and love, mischief and pranks. You adored your family with every fiber of your 6-year-old being. We are all of us elevated in our humanity by having known you. A little maverick, who didn't always want to do his schoolwork or clean up his toys, when practicing his ninja moves or Super Mario on the Wii seemed far more important.
Noah, you will not pass through this way again. I can only believe that you were planted on Earth to bloom in heaven. Take flight, my boy. Soar. You now have the wings you always wanted. Go to that peaceful valley that we will all one day come to know. I will join you someday. Not today. I still have lots of mommy love to give to Danielle, Michael, Sophia and Arielle.
Until then, your melody will linger in our hearts forever. Momma loves you, little man.